Tales From My Youth 3

Further old stuff, this time from my evangelical period as a Britpop era musicologist (originally written in coloured felt, entirely in CAPITAL LETTERS):

Oh my god, that's the funky sh*t

or the definitive guide to the new listener to jumpy shouty music

1. Find a decent couple of blokes to go to a student night-club with.
2. Come home.
3. Wake up the next afternoon with an aching head, sore neck muscles, bruised legs, splinter gut, a strange whistling noise in your head that just won't go away, and a feeling of complete euphoria at having the first great night of your life.
4. Rush out armed to the teeth with cash trying to obtain the tunes you heard last night. 
5. Return home with tears streaming from your eyes, realising your plan to buy Our Price with 48p, failed.
6. After a week of scratching around, you come across a blank cassette, and give it to a chum who has gone through the whole experience before.
7. Realise you are holding ninety minutes of pure, unadluterated fine music that will blow your nan's pants off even if she dared to think about saying "That's nice, dear".
8. Contemplate putting your new new TDK D90 in the machine.
9. Eat a steak and kidney pie instead.
10. Clear your bladder, this will be a pants wetting experience.
11. Go down to the shop to see if they've sold out of FHM's already. Failing that, buy a copy of GOAL magazine.

Do you know what? This all gets too autobiographical too soon. I don't think I know you well enough to let all of this out just yet.

Tales From My Youth 2

This is The Dorch - The Album. Don't worry if the time seemed to have stopped in late 1995 - it might have actually have done.

Consolidated/Crack MC - You Suck

Stealers Wheel - Stuck In The Middle With You

Emf/ Reeves And Mortimer - I'm A Believer

Black Grape - In The Name Of The Father

Levellers - One Way

Oasis - Don't Look Back In Anger

The Offspring - Come Out And Play

The Beastie Boys - Sabotage

Body Count - Body Count

Rage Against The Machine - Bullet In The Head

Babylon Zoo - Spaceman (Radio Edit)

Josh Wink - Higher State Of Consciousness (Original Tweekin' Acid Funk Edit)

Blur - Country House

The Monkees - Daydream Believer

The Chemical Brothers - Leave Home

Run-D.M.C. - Walk This Way

The Beatles - A Hard Day's Night

Pulp - Common People

Skunk Anansie - Weak

The Presidents Of The United States Of America - Lump

The Presidents Of The United States Of America - Peaches

Paul Weller - The Changingman

The Jam - Going Underground

The Clash - Should I Stay Or Should I Go

Cypress Hill - Insane In the Brain (Explicit Album Version)

Supergrass - Going Out

Supergrass - Alright

Free - All Right Now

Various Artists - Are You Gonna Go My Way

Menswear - Daydreamer

Green Day - Basket Case

Cast - Fine Time

The Prodigy - Firestarter

Oasis - Roll With It

Ocean Colour Scene - The Riverboat Song

The Offspring - Self-Esteem

The Offspring - Nitro (Youth Energy)

Black Grape - Reverend Black Grape

Tales From My Youth

Evening,

I've just been looking through a pile of old papers, and found my list of tunes for "The Dorch - The Album". For anyone who doesn't know, The Dorchester was the centre of the universe for indie types who could dance for hours and liked 'retro' football shirts and enjoyed ridiculously cheap alcohol, in and around 1995.

A Google (click here to repeat search) only returned two relevant links to the place. Surely, everyone who survived its charms can't have not written about it online? Astonishing. But what has shown up is a Dorchester Reunion on New Years' Eve. Possibly see you there...if they could recreate The Deep, The Chill Out Room, The Caff (with chips for apparently 20p), the cages for exhibitionist dancing and bouncers who will insist on asking you for ID, even though the attendees' average age will be about 30.

To follow...the listings for "The Dorch - The Album".

Orange

Hello again,

I'm having a clear out. The confidential waste bins at work won't know what's hit them! The first thing to go are my lovely collection of Orange mobile phone bills that stretch all the way back to January 1999. It shows I sent my first ever text message at 22:07, 06/01/99. The first person I ever called was Jon D, in Huddersfield. I can even remember being tragically excited by the new technology, the Nokia 5110. 

So, the eight years of bills have filled my mind with nostalgia, like:

• Orange have had an enormous amount of my money, since 1998
• I rang my parents, four minutes into the 21st Century
• The phone number for a great hostel in Liverpool...
• That the only reason for getting a mobile phone was so I could call my girlfriend.

Nealy nine years and two gilfriends later, I have finally left Orange. And every call, every minute I spent connecting to people will be shredded. Hopefully the memories will remain! 

Also, this kinda exposes my hoarding instincts. Next to go: Twelve years of bank statements!

P.S. I know that this is a rubbish post, however I felt I needed to mark this stage - hoarding acceptance and finally accepting I really don't want to remember every phone call I've ever made.

Direction

Hello again,

Hopefully I'll give you some direction of where I want to go with this blog. Some features that are genuinely in development:

• Some real photography of Birmingham
• Better listing, including rolling lists like 'Films I bought and have yet to watch'
• Questions answered using essays with ridiculous titles - coming soon, "How I Worked Out The Exact Moment Britpop Died, And Why (it did, not why did I work it out)"
• Some writeups of my aincient school writing
• Hopefully, one new logo art-thingy a month (see passport on the right)
• More about music
• More on my heroes (and heriones), and more rants.

Phew. All of this and more, whilst doing nothing too pretentious.

German Market - Gala Opening (Some Pictures)

Hello again,

Quick flurry of updates this evening. Firstly, whoever nicked my printout of the beer-drinking newsreaders - booo. Secondly, some picutres.

This is the first two pints, at about 4.10.

This is several hours later, wearing a borrowed hat and after developing a scary hand. Sensibly, inside in The Wellington. 

Thirdly, if anyone recorded the Central News from Thursday, I'm probably marching towards the camera holding a sausage.

German Market - Gala Opening

Howdy blog,

It is my honour and a privilege to say these words:

1. The money lasted until pay-day
2. The German Market is OPEN
3. The Beer is good
4. The Sausage is good
5. I managed a Sue Lawley, then a Moira Stewart

This also may be the last time for a while I visit the market - the rest of the cash will have to go on Christmas presents! (And seeing as I'm peckish, possibly some pizza.)

Some photos will be uploaded shortly.

Heroes (Ed. 1)

You might be getting the impression that I'm angry and never satisfied with anything, unless it's to do with the German Market. This just simply isn't true. John Gaunt got a bash. That's it, so far. 

It's time to introduce another strand onto these pages, and it's about my heroes. Let's start with Anthony H. Wilson.

Tony Wilson was an enigma, the kind of person that would at some point (I imagine) annoy everyone he had met to the point of physical violence. The anarchic outlook on life combined with an education that took in Jesus College (Cambridge, to you and me), and a passion for the dramatic arts combined to make the man I most look up to in the world of music. He was a journalist with Granada Television, capable of the light-hearted and the high powered. He was utterly irresposible with other peoples money. He was also directly responsible for Factory Records, the incomparable Haçienda and 'modern' nightclub DJ culture infiltating the UK. He encouraged, alongside Martin Hannett, the whole Factory roster to explore the boundaries of their sound.  As well as this, he was one of the few, the audience at the pivotal Sex Pistols gig in Manchester in June 1976.

I was deeply saddened to hear of his passing earlier this year. He was on my list of people I wanted to meet before I/they died. I just wanted to thank him.

I never went to the Haçienda. I never saw the bands. I'd not heard of Factory until after they went bust. I never met the man. But, unknowingly, Tony Wilson virtually shaped my late adolescence.

In some sort of tribute, I visited what became of FAC 51 in October 2005. The former cathedral had become apartments.

Tony Wilson died on August 10th, 2007, aged 57.

"Some people make money and some make history."

At the risk of adding too much in one day...

...and totally neglecting this thing for weeks, there are some things I might need to clear up.

The beer drinking newsreaders (list of the week) are all German Market related. If one is able to withhold using the toilets after one pint, that's a Peter Smith. Two, and you have made it to Moira Stewart. Three is a Sue Lawley - this is not very common, and is usually celebrated with a brief rendition of  "Sue Lawley! Sue Lawley!" to the tune of So Lonely by The Police. Four and five are almost uncharted territory. I say uncharted, because it may have been done. Four pints (really half litres) of spirited German lager is a lot. Four is a Peter Sissons, and five is a Sir Trevor McDonald.

There's a nominal raising scale of gravitas for each newsreader on the scale, although the actual reasons for choosing them have been lost in the midsts of about £300 of German lager. Also lost is the reason for marking this event, and why its done in this way.

For the benefit of people who may not know (with Wikipedia links);

Peter Smith was the news person for The Big Breakfast for the first few years, and has recently dissapeared from the face of the earth.

Moira Stewart has been one of the cornerstones of BBC News since the early eighties, and has recently not had her contract renewed as she is apparently "too old". 

Sue Lawley until 2006 presented Sesert Island Discs, a Radio Four institution, and is originally from Sedgeley. She is possibly most famous for being the co-anchor with Nicholas Witchell during the lesbian invasion of the Six O'Clock News in 1984.

Peter Sissons is not only a defector from ITN to the BBC, but has been lambasted in the national press for wearing an 'insensitive' maroon tie. He is four days older than my Dad.

Sir George (Trevor) McDonald is a broadcasting institution, and will return to The News at Ten soon. Voted "Most likely to kill using gravitas alone" shortly after his knighthood in 1999.

Further Financial Update

Hello again,

Further financial update. I last had spent £1.70. On the bus home, I found 1p, so that brought it down to a more managable £1.69.

Friday saw the horror of casual dress. We pay to turn up in our own clothes, and not the usual 'business attire' that we have to wear. It's not compulsary, but if I turned up in my suit, I'd

• Look like an ungenerous twot
• Stick out like a sore thumb
• Have been too tight to give away a whole pound.

So I bit the bullet. Thanks to huge reserves of small change, I managed some treats from the vending machine (whoo-hoo!) and did my bit for the Royal British Legion's Poppy Appeal by donating another pound to that worthy cause. Showing supreme levels of intelligence, I left my poppy at work.

Had to buy some coursebooks for Polish, however they got dumped on the credit card. No-one ever needs money in December, do they?

Subtotal: £3.69

Old Stuff

Hello again,

Here are some old noodlings from when I thought blogging was impossibly technical. Some background: I wrote this on 6 February 2007, I'd just lost 22 pounds in weight, and Karina is my other half (but less about that the better at the moment).

Hello. It’s late and about 36 hours after I finished my diet. I thought I might put fingers to keys for the first time in a long time, surprise myself how bad my typing is, and listen to some music in the process. 

I’ve always liked James Brown, but sadly it took his passing on Christmas Day to get me to listen to some sixties seven inch singles I bought in the summer. One track that really stood out was I Can't Stand Myself (When You Touch Me) which sounded like it was recorded in 2006. It could be assumed to be the stereotypical James Brown track, but it has something else – not just 75% of the ‘Good God’s’ attributed to him throughout his career.

So, that’s just been downloaded into Pan Pod and added to the platters that matter. iTunes is making me compulsively buy more singles for the first time in years.  Tonight, after six attention grabbing seconds on “You Are What You Eat”, I bought I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles) by The Proclaimers. James Brown and The Proclaimers in the same night. Twenty-four hours after Nelly Furtado’s Maneater.  This two days after an apparent embolism which brought with it three Grace Jones tracks. (If you must know, My Jamaican Guy, Pull Up To The Bumper, and Slave To The Rhythm.)  All this at 79p a throw. Cheaper than the discs, better than buying an album, more revealing about how my mind works than any survey and on average, horrifying if you look back over the last ten purchases you make.

Ow! Good God!

Yes, I mentioned the diet. Probably the first thing I’ve done and been proud to be associated with…ever. In under five weeks, I went from 15 stones, (210lbs) to 13 stones 6 pounds (188lbs). Using a combination of determination, only eating fruit and veg, and drinking plenty of water and fruit juice. I totally cut out meat, chocolate, crisps, caffeine, cheese, and really scaled back on bread. After I had my final weigh-in, I ceremonially broke the diet with a chocolate and it tasted like fat. Later that morning, I had a coffee which gave me a headache and in the evening I wolfed down the biggest meatiest pizza possible which had the effect of filling my lower intestine with concrete. This morning (the day after) I had an unprovoked nosebleed. If you ever do my diet, never stop.  I also feel like crap and about to fall asleep, but must persevere with the stabbing at keys.

Music is a great thing. From the first things I can really remember there was music, and music is similar only to smell in that it can transport you to another place in a beat. Classical music takes me to Channel 4 and their test card. The Cure’s Love Song and I am in an eleventh floor flat in the centre of Warsaw, half an hour into 2005. Faith as performed by Limp Bizkit and I can feel Karina on my back in Finsbury Park.  You get the idea. Music leads me to radio, which is something I have always been interested in, and is my stock answer to “What do you want to do with your life?” I think I can do a good job, have a very effective voice-over, er, voice, and a selection of other DJ modes. There is the love of good music, which is often a block to progressing in the world of local radio.

So if anyone knows any jobs going, please get in touch. 

My First Comment

Hello blog,

Unbelieveable! I started this blog as a way to confront my frustrations with the world, and hardly expected anyone else to read it.

My most gracious and humble welcome to my first ever comment leaver!

More later.

Skint

Howdy blog.

I am utterly skint. Not in the homeless, living under a bridge skint, but the 'haven't got any cash to spend frivolously until payday' skint. This has come as a big shock to me. It has also taught me some harsh lessons, namely:

• Check your balance more regulary
• I don't get paid enough.
• Don't go to the pub every lunchtime
• I don't get paid enough.
  
• You can't afford everything you want
• I don't get paid enough.
  
• Stop trying to impress people with money. They've seen some before.
• I don't get paid enough.
  
• I owe one person an unspecified amount of cash. I have no motivation to pay it back.
• I don't get paid enough.
  

So, since Monday [it's now Thursday evening] I have spent a grand total of £1.70, and it breaks down like this;

£1.30 - cheapest sandwich I could find, because I got up too late to make a salad

£0.40 - Snickers bar, because I desperately required chocolate.

The thing is, can I hold on until the gala German Market opening with the rest of my cash - I will be paid on the 16th? [See below post]

Stay tuned for further details. 

German Market!

This week sees the return to the centre of Birmingham, The Frankfurt German Market. This is a fabulous place. There will be a carousel with horses, a helter-skelter, lots of stalls with German hand-made items. Most importantly, there will be the small matter of the wonderous beer stall. To its left, the red or white wood-chip grilled sausages. To its right, the heat and smell of the blazing pig carcasses. I am excited to the point of combustion.

Mostly about the beer and pork, as you can tell.

Just five working days to go - which leads me onto another thing......

List Of The Week #1

So as they don't get lost forever, here is the first LIST OF THE WEEK:

Electric Giraffe Orchestra

Chimp Fighter

The Pretentious Seven

Bargain Basement Beats

Multimedia Toastie Company

Older Than Winchester

Swimming With Rolf

Fighting Crabs

Jackie Chan's Chip Shop

My Mate Keith

Look out for a further update later today.

Things That Make You Go Arrrgh

Hello again,

There are a few things that make me very angry. Some things make my blood boil. Most of these things will make it on to here.

I'll start you off with one of my unsung pet hates, Jon Gaunt. 

For those of you that don't know, "Gaunty" is a Talksport radio show host, as well as being a weekly columnist with the British newsapaper The Sun. He has a bias against the BBC and is vehemently anti Licence Fee - this is the same, 'unfair' way the BBC has been funded since June 1946, and co-incidentally, some of the same 'unfair' funding made its way to Jon Gaunt for 13 years plus service to the BBC. Admittedly, I am no Licence Fee propaganda machine, but it is the nature of Gaunt's attacks on what he calls the "Bloated Broadcasting Corporation" which make me angry. They are ususally structured as a comment against a current BBC event (retructuring, big name programme) which always compares unfavourably to Sky One/Sky News/Talksport, twinned with a call to privatise Radio 1 and Radio 2  - then the sledgehammer of the call to end the "Telly Tax". 

It is worth mentioning that (commercial) Sky Broadcasting and Talksport are subsiduaries of News International - the same group that owns The Sun. And they compete with the BBC for audience share.

This week's missive sees another mini promo for Sky News with a nod towards the skills of Eammon Holmes, the news presenter. Is this in any way a backslap for his kind comment that graces the front page of Gaunt's new book?

I'm yet to find anything Gaunt is pro that isn't to do with action on restricting immigration, or promoting himself or News International.

As well as this, "Gaunty" positions himself as a man of the people, yet how many other people have their own talk radio programme and weekly column? Or attend glitzy film premieres?

Did I mention he has a new book to promote?

In short, if I didn't know he exists, I would be convinced he was a product of The Sun designed entirely to rile anyone who doesn't share those views.

Ooo, that's better. Thanks for reading.

Sleepy time

It's nearly time for bed. But before I go, I need to tell you I've been asleep under a tree in the darkenss tonight. And it was wonderful.

Hello (Version 0.5)

Hi folks...

I've finally made it into the blogosphere, and may beautiful things will happen and there will be a superb introduction to this place, a reason for being here as well as bells and/or whistles. Until then I have to check that this works and I can navigate sensibly.

See you all shortly, and welcome to the show.