Madame B - Episode 2

05 December 2003, 15:01

Hello again...

Great news! After only six hours in make-up, and a further twenty minutes chucking up, Mme B has finally decided to put that great big red feather on to her head and squeeze into a shocking gypsy dress that would make Lily Savage blush with embarrassment. She is resplendent in more rings than John's Jewellery Box in West Bromwich. In fact, it is the content of John's Jewellery Box in West Bromwich, after it was broken into last weekend.

After a melodramatic wave of her hands and a cursory glance into her rancid cat's anus, the following premonitions fell from her lips...

Gemini May 22 - Jun 21

Your weekend will look like a fetid cat's anus. Oh! Sorry. Your weekend will be positive, like a battery, long, like a cucumber and dirty, like my ex husband who worked on the fair. Mars makes a surprise appearance in your lovemaking, after your loved one watches a programme about Marianne Faithful. Ensure you have enough towels and toilet rolls so as you don't knacker your new bed clothes. Jupiter makes no effect in your life whatsoever. Steer clear of a friend who has recently been showcased on Crimewatch. Luck lives at number 43, and sadly looks like Olga Korbut.

Virgo Aug 24 - Sep 23

Virgo. Virgo, Virgo Virgo. Ah, Virgo. What a blissful weekend you have in store! Your pyjamas will be toasty, and telly will be good. Pluto provides you with the good fortune to discover a cache of 240 fags tucked behind the setee. Your microwave will also bring forth untold untold taste delights from the the frozen section at Aldi. The Sun not only provides you with the warmth and light you cravem but it will also tell you the winner of the 3.10 at Chepstow. Enjoy your weekend. Ignore all telephone calls. Discover the joys of isolation and vitamin N.

Libra September 22 - October 21

A cold weekend is in store for Libra, so stop in bed for as long as possible. Even better if it's not your own as your own bed id due for an upgrade to double size. Your best intentions to not freak out when the dawning realisation that, yes, you ARE shopping for linen on a Saturday afternoon instead of watching Gillette Soccer Special and eating soup fail miserably. You are advised in the strongest possible terms to never enter Ikea ever again. Libra's usual talent for foreign languages fails, as mischievous Mercury swaps the innocent phrase "Dzien Dobry" (Good day) for "Dozien Diabrzi" (I hope your first born is run over by Maureen from Driving School and Michael Winner urinates on the grave). Steer clear of alcohol, it will only antagonize the situation.

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 20

Bawdy text messages are the order of the day for you, dear Capricorn, and ones that are from unknown mobile sources are phenomenally funny to your colleagues. Neptune, the planet of water, insists that you have a bath, if not this weekend, but at least before the turn of the year. Fortune follows you everywhere you go, however he looks like Uncle Albert from Only Fools and Horses. Carry a big stick everywhere you go. Avoid flying your red kite near electricity pylons, especially around Sir James Saville. 

And with that, Mme B disappears into the mist, with only a passing "V" to the assembled celebrities in her wake. 

And that's it.

Madame B - Episode 1

05 December 2003, 08:57

Good morning, believers

I have just been tapped on the shoulder by a dishevelled and frankly hideous looking Mme B, who assures me that six bottles of Scotch a night is perfectly acceptable for a celebrity horoscope provider, such as herself. I asked her if she had ever seen Russell Grant or Mystic Meg walk into Drummond House, still clattered after a night of superpowered binge drinking. She has stormed off with a builders trowel, to hastily apply make up and invent some rubbish based on tea-leaves/the planets/upturned fish-bowl/the words the scabs on her genitals read today.

Stars update will hit your inboxes at around 11.30, but a more lurid set of stars could be available after Mme B has a couple of tots at "The Ritz" with the rest of the team here.

Keep the faith.

Madame B - Introduction

Whatever happened to Madame B?

Madame B was devised during the busy days on the [deleted for legal reasons] project, when there were literally days to kill. Inspired / ripped off from Mystic Meg’s horoscope section in The Sun, Madame B was a slightly more ‘council’, definitely alcoholic, and had a twist of travelling fairground added for good measure.

She senses peoples’ fortunes in the more unlikely aspects of the cosmos, from the alignments of subways on Jupiter, to reading the leftover light bulbs in Dale Winton’s wardrobe. 

Her readings, always surreal, yet occasionally accurate, made compelling viewing for the gathered throng at about coffee time every morning. Unfortunately, Mme B disappeared from view in obscure circumstances, which may or may not have involved a golf ball, some elastic bands, and me moving to a more demanding job.

Now, it is time to connect hands, select ‘drive’ and channel the energies to find...Madame B.