Hello

Some points, connected in no discernable order:

• All the great TV comedy situations have been created or exploited
  
• Radio is a lot harder than is seems to listen to
  
• Genius on iTunes keeps crashing when it delivers my results
  
• Mini Discs rock!
  
• Safari for Windows doesn't understand English English
  
• Neil from The Young One's character surname is Pye
  
• I can now speak visual basic...
  
• I am tired yet addicted to writing
  
• I think I may have overstretched myself a bit with charity work and real life, meant to go to the gym today but overslept by two hours, so won't get another chance to go until Friday (if I'm lucky)
  
• The second series of The Mighty Boosh was either too dark or the funny bits had been edited out
  
• Ironing is theraputic
  
• Why to people who do shoes also do keys?
  
• Why do people who do keys also do shoes?
  
• Newcastle United have made Manchester City look stable and calm in comparison
  
• Clearing your work desk out "just because people at other banks have had to put all of their stuff in boxes at short notice, and I think that would be a good idea here" as a reason doesn't go down well
  
• FC Porto have a Brazilian player called Hulk
  
• Fiesta has increased in price significantly over the last sixteen years or so
  
• I have just over a week of being a TwentySomething to go, meaning I move up an age bracket in surveys...
  

All this and more, in my head and now in yours!

A Few Quick Points

I have been monumentally disappointed by everything I have ever bought from Maplin Electronics. And yet I still visit.

There is an intermittent loud buzzing which could be either a big, angry wasp, a hornet (eek!) or a small motorcycle trapped behind the drawers. Either way, it's freaking me out.

Some proles living nearby are having a laughably small rave. I can only just hear the music, but every ten seconds or so I hear a "Whoop!! Whoop!!". It's like it never went out of fashion. Or possibly they are trapped in a horrendous 1995 time-warp.

Tiny book review: Richard Hammond can write about his recovery in a grown up and illuminating way. Mindy Hammond's version of events seems to involve a lot of crying and being brave. I don't doubt that this didn't happen, in an immensely traumatic time. It seemed to me like I re-read the same page twenty times. Sorry. Still an NTP recommended book.

The Newspaper Challenge

The other night, whilst doing some early morning research on something surely vital, I remembered an idea I had a while ago - does a newspaper's website meta tags accurately describe their readership? Sorry if you have fallen asleep at the back, but meta tags are the things a website thinks that are most likely to draw in searches. E.g, if i had a website about eggs, my meta tags would include words like, eggs, egg, chicken, or yolk. Not dogs, Elvis and India. Hope you get the idea.

Let's start with The Sun.

"The Sun, newspaper, Dear Deidre, Mystic Meg, page 3, page3, page 3 girls, UK, Britain, England, London, tabloid, online, internet, breaking, news, sport, showbiz, exclusives, scandal, gossip, competitions, prizes, promotions, celebrities, Bizarre, football, weather, big brother, celeb, celebrity, star, Barclaycard Premier League, Carling FA Cup, Dreamteam FC, F1 dream team, sun says, opinion, talkback, Ken Gibson, Premier, cartoons, crossword, Sun Fun, Jane Moore, John Sadler, Lorraine Kelly, chat, babes, superbabes, jukebox, investigations, 24 hour, reports, stars, horoscopes, ringtones, mobile, wwe, wrestling, jon gaunt, Gizmo, technology, keeley, sophie, ruth, gadgets, free games, chart, TV, listings, gardening, film, trailers, diets, fitness, music, fashion, motors, videos, royals, royal family, contact us, subscription, back issues, old, stories, news desk, sports, desk, team, bizarre, email, weekly, daily, sign up"

If I remember, the more important search terms are at the top. This is why three of the top seven have connections to liberated breasts. Interestingly, they reference "Carling FA Cup" - a competition that has never been sponsored by Carling. Pleasingly, Jon Gaunt isn't anywhere near the top and doesn't even get capital letters - unlike Jane Moore, John Sadler or Lorraine Kelly. However columnists like Jeremy Clarkson, Ally Ross (tv) or Kelvin McKenzie (former editor of The Sun) aren't there. Strangely, one of the less key search terms is 'desk'.

The next plan was to visit the Daily Express, but it doesn't have keywords.

Onto the last broadsheet national, the Daily Telegraph:

"online newspaper uk daily news sport weather arts money experts stock market personal finance oeics job vacancies car test drives breakdown services motor insurance motoring News Online honest john book late holiday deals cruise city break travel guides british expats brits abroad expatriate offers Sport NEWS Uk horse racing shopping ONLINE gift promotions business article education technology countryside Weather telegraph crossword society obituaries horoscopes Job Vacancies Oeics Money Experts Personal Finance Stock Market Business UK Daily SPORT Horse Racing Motoring Breakdown Services Car Test Drives Honest John Motor Insurance Late Holiday Deals Offers Book City Break Cruise Travel Guides Expats British Expatriate Brits Abroad Telegraph Newspaper Promotions Shopping Gift Education Countryside Article Arts Technology Crossword Society Horoscopes Obituaries MONEY EXPERTS OEICS PERSONAL FINANCE STOCK MARKET JOB VACANCIES DAILY BUSINESS TECHNOLOGY ARTICLE EDUCATION ARTS TELEGRAPH MOTORING CAR TEST DRIVES MOTOR INSURANCE BREAKDOWN SERVICES HONEST JOHN GIFT SHOPPING PROMOTIONS NEWSPAPER OBITUARIES HOROSCOPES BOOK CITY BREAK CRUISE OFFERS HOLIDAY WEATHER TRAVEL GUIDES LATE DEALS BRITS ABROAD BRITISH EXPATRIATE EXPATS HORSE RACING COUNTRYSIDE CROSSWORD SOCIETY"

Quite a chunky set for terms there. Interestingly, the 13th is OIECS, which is a quite obscure financial acronym, meaning Open-Ended Investment Companies. 'Honest John' gets a mention, as well as some nuggets about Expatriates. Curiously, the keywords shout 'daily SPORT' - which may mean this turns up in a search for the newspaper of that name before it does. Then it seems the same search terms are rekeyed for people WHO TYPE LIKE THEY ARE SHOUTING. 

The Times doesn't have Meta Tags, but the copyright on their JavaScript from WebSideStory expired in 2004.

Also without tags is the Daily Mirror.

Lastly tonight, the Daily Mail.

"Sudoku, horoscopes, political analysis, news, Don't Miss, pictures, comment, Daily Mail, Mail on Sunday newspapers, sport, Westminster, opinion"
Quite a concise 12 terms, with Sudoku seeming to be the top draw, and in second place horoscopes, and after those two, the trivial "political analysis"!
More on this some other time.

Tales From My Youth 3

Further old stuff, this time from my evangelical period as a Britpop era musicologist (originally written in coloured felt, entirely in CAPITAL LETTERS):

Oh my god, that's the funky sh*t

or the definitive guide to the new listener to jumpy shouty music

1. Find a decent couple of blokes to go to a student night-club with.
2. Come home.
3. Wake up the next afternoon with an aching head, sore neck muscles, bruised legs, splinter gut, a strange whistling noise in your head that just won't go away, and a feeling of complete euphoria at having the first great night of your life.
4. Rush out armed to the teeth with cash trying to obtain the tunes you heard last night. 
5. Return home with tears streaming from your eyes, realising your plan to buy Our Price with 48p, failed.
6. After a week of scratching around, you come across a blank cassette, and give it to a chum who has gone through the whole experience before.
7. Realise you are holding ninety minutes of pure, unadluterated fine music that will blow your nan's pants off even if she dared to think about saying "That's nice, dear".
8. Contemplate putting your new new TDK D90 in the machine.
9. Eat a steak and kidney pie instead.
10. Clear your bladder, this will be a pants wetting experience.
11. Go down to the shop to see if they've sold out of FHM's already. Failing that, buy a copy of GOAL magazine.

Do you know what? This all gets too autobiographical too soon. I don't think I know you well enough to let all of this out just yet.

Tales From My Youth 2

This is The Dorch - The Album. Don't worry if the time seemed to have stopped in late 1995 - it might have actually have done.

Consolidated/Crack MC - You Suck

Stealers Wheel - Stuck In The Middle With You

Emf/ Reeves And Mortimer - I'm A Believer

Black Grape - In The Name Of The Father

Levellers - One Way

Oasis - Don't Look Back In Anger

The Offspring - Come Out And Play

The Beastie Boys - Sabotage

Body Count - Body Count

Rage Against The Machine - Bullet In The Head

Babylon Zoo - Spaceman (Radio Edit)

Josh Wink - Higher State Of Consciousness (Original Tweekin' Acid Funk Edit)

Blur - Country House

The Monkees - Daydream Believer

The Chemical Brothers - Leave Home

Run-D.M.C. - Walk This Way

The Beatles - A Hard Day's Night

Pulp - Common People

Skunk Anansie - Weak

The Presidents Of The United States Of America - Lump

The Presidents Of The United States Of America - Peaches

Paul Weller - The Changingman

The Jam - Going Underground

The Clash - Should I Stay Or Should I Go

Cypress Hill - Insane In the Brain (Explicit Album Version)

Supergrass - Going Out

Supergrass - Alright

Free - All Right Now

Various Artists - Are You Gonna Go My Way

Menswear - Daydreamer

Green Day - Basket Case

Cast - Fine Time

The Prodigy - Firestarter

Oasis - Roll With It

Ocean Colour Scene - The Riverboat Song

The Offspring - Self-Esteem

The Offspring - Nitro (Youth Energy)

Black Grape - Reverend Black Grape

Orange

Hello again,

I'm having a clear out. The confidential waste bins at work won't know what's hit them! The first thing to go are my lovely collection of Orange mobile phone bills that stretch all the way back to January 1999. It shows I sent my first ever text message at 22:07, 06/01/99. The first person I ever called was Jon D, in Huddersfield. I can even remember being tragically excited by the new technology, the Nokia 5110. 

So, the eight years of bills have filled my mind with nostalgia, like:

• Orange have had an enormous amount of my money, since 1998
• I rang my parents, four minutes into the 21st Century
• The phone number for a great hostel in Liverpool...
• That the only reason for getting a mobile phone was so I could call my girlfriend.

Nealy nine years and two gilfriends later, I have finally left Orange. And every call, every minute I spent connecting to people will be shredded. Hopefully the memories will remain! 

Also, this kinda exposes my hoarding instincts. Next to go: Twelve years of bank statements!

P.S. I know that this is a rubbish post, however I felt I needed to mark this stage - hoarding acceptance and finally accepting I really don't want to remember every phone call I've ever made.

List Of The Week #1

So as they don't get lost forever, here is the first LIST OF THE WEEK:

Electric Giraffe Orchestra

Chimp Fighter

The Pretentious Seven

Bargain Basement Beats

Multimedia Toastie Company

Older Than Winchester

Swimming With Rolf

Fighting Crabs

Jackie Chan's Chip Shop

My Mate Keith

Look out for a further update later today.